You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
it glows. i had to have it.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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