also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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