I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
