Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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