i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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