Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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