You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
