You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
