He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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