I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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