My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
