Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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