I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
