guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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