rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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