i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
