In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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