I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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