Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize