I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
