I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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