Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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