Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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