I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
