can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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