happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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