Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize