I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
