his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
