like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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