come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
