I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
