I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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