I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
