I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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