go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
