apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
