You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
