hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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