I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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