I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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