I want to make a zoo with you.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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