The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
