just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We named our party play list daddy issues
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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