How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize