That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
