I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
