I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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