so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
