It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
