During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
