My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
