So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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