i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize