Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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