he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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