I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
