there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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