This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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