also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
