Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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