I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
