I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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