i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
