He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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