My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize