It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
