Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
